the moment it becomes real

We’ve known since even before I missed my period that I’m pregnant. I started having symptoms ridiculously early, and they’ve hit me like a truck in the last couple of days as I passed the 6 week mark. We’ve been discussing it with J, about what it means to be a big brother, about how big the baby is now (a lima bean!), about whether he wants a brother or a sister.

He insists he wants one of each, and they’re both in my belly now. Yikes!

All that said, it’s been surreal. I’m fully immersed in the frantic end-of-phd freakout, as I have about a month left to submit a paper, write my 100+ page thesis, and prepare my oral defense. On top of being constantly so nauseous that I can’t walk into a cafeteria or grocery store, can’t prep meals at home, can barely even pour J his morning cereal without running to the bathroom.

This morning, though, I think I had that moment. I’ve started wearing a necklace that J made at school, yellow string with some random beads strung onto it, just to remind me that the important things are still there, still doing ok, and to take things one step at a time. I clutched at those beads today, during a wave of nausea, and told myself ‘we can do this. you and me, you who have already taken over my body and my life, we’ll finish this together.’

And it hit me. Just how happy I am. That there really is a 4th member of my family now. He/she is real, finally, not just the cause of my constant gagging and ever present exhaustion. And we’ll finish this together.

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